By Alina Jawwad
A man once heard of a Indian who had the best memory on earth so the man asked the Indian, “what he had for breakfast one year ago the Indian?” The Indian replied, “eggs!” The man then said how on earth would you know that? That was a guess so he went away very angrily. A year later he came back and saw the Indian at the airport walked up and greeted him by saying how, the Indian said scrambled.
A cop pulls a man over on the road. He comes up to the side of the car and asks the man to roll down the widow. The man inside says,” Why did you pull me over?” and the cop responds “because you were speeding.” and to that the man inside the car responds “Oh good, then you are not going to look in the trunk.”
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’ The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time? ‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’ ‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’ ‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man…the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’ The man sighs… pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.’
A man takes the subway everyday to work. He works in the highest level of a high rise office building in downtown. When he arrives he takes the elevator. However, how he uses the elevator depends on if there are other people in there with him. If there are other people, then he’ll take the elevator straight up to the top, but if he is alone in the elevator he will take it up only to the 22nd floor, and use the stairs the rest of the way up, about another 20 floors. Why does he do this? Because he is short, he can only reach the 22nd button in the elevator.
A telemarketer was trying to make a particularly difficult sale. The person was just about to hang up, and the telemarketer said, “Look, pretend I’m your kid asking for money! What would you say?” Instantly the man hung up.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. ‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’ ‘No,’ she replies… Wait for it…It’s coming…the suspense is killing you, isn’t it?
She says: ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’
Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes. “Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we’ll know where to fish,” the first man told his buddy. “Good idea,” the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat. “Why’d you do that?” his friend asked. “Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.”
Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon”. The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!” The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat. The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.” The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”