By Rubab Ali
At The Movies:
Acquaintances/Friends: Hey! What are you doing here?
Me: Don’t you know? I sell tickets in black over here.
At A Funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people: Why, why him, of all people?
Me: Why? Would it rather have been you?
At A Restaurant:
People: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good?
Waiter: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
At The Toilets:
People: Hey! What are you doing here?
Me: Oh, I was looking for some pizza. Do you know where I can find one?
When A Fat Lady Wearing Pointed High Heels Steps On Your Feet:
Lady: Sorry, did that hurt?
Me: No not at all. I’m on local anaesthesia. Why don’t you try again?
When The Dentist Is Sticking Pointed Objects In Your Mouth:
Dentist: Tell me if it hurts?
Me: No it won’t. It will just bleed.
When Some Distant Aunt Meets You After Years:
Aunt: Munna, you’ve become so big.
Me: Well, you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.
When Woken Up At Midnight By A Call:
Caller: Sorry! Were you sleeping?
Me: Nah! I was doing research whether monkeys in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping, you fool?
When They See Me With Shorter Hair:
People: Hey, have you had a haircut?
Me: Nah! Its autumn and I’m shedding!
When Washing Your Car:
Neighbour: Hey, are you washing it?
Me: No, I’m just watering it so that it grows into a big bus.
When Smoking A Cigarette:
People: Oh, so you smoke.
Me: Gosh, it’s a miracle! It was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!
When Someone Calls On Landline:
Caller: Where are you?
Me: I’m in market with telephone around my neck!
When Announcing Your Wedding:
People: Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Me: No, he’s a miserable wife-beating, insensitive mugger… it’s just the money.
Let’s Laugh Together
Teacher: How do you spell “monkey”?
Teacher: You are wrong! The dictionary spells it M-O-N-K-E-Y.
Student: But, you asked me how “I” spell it, sir!
The teacher came up with a good problem. “Suppose,” she asked the second-graders, “there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?” “None,” answered little Norman. “None? Norman, you don’t know your arithmetic.” “Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”
Teacher: When were the first and second World Wars fought?
Student: I don’t know about the first, but the Second World War was fought after the first.
The world’s first environmentally-friendly racing car, made of vegetables and powered by chocolate, will be launched next month. The 145mph ecoF3 has a steering wheel made of carrots, a body made of potatoes and a seat made of soybeans. It is the first Formula 3 racing car designed and made from sustainable and renewable materials, reports the Daily Telegraph. Designers hope the technology used in their car will be adopted by Formula 1 teams such as McLaren and Ferrari. It uses plant-oil based lubricants and a biodiesel engine capable of running on chocolate and vegetable oil. Vegetable fibres are mixed with resins to produce the car parts and the oils in the chocolate are refined to produce fuel. The WorldFirst team, from Warwick University, hope racing chiefs will change the rules so they can compete in races next season. The engine fails to meet current regulations because of its unusual fuel.
A team spokesman said: “We hope the Formula 1 teams will see that an environmentally friendly car is not necessarily a slow car. “We expect our new materials to be used by the Formula 1 cars of the future.”
In the school, during a mathematics class, teacher: If I were to ask you to add 8,137 to 73 and then divide the result by two, what do you think you would get? Student: The wrong answer, sir.
Dad: Son, this time I expect 80 percent marks in your final examination.
Son: No Dad, I think I’ll manage 100 percent.
Dad: Don’t joke with me.
Son: Who started the joke?
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: Students, you have forty minutes to write an essay on a soccer match.
Richard: (After two minutes) Here’s my paper, sir.
Teacher: What did you manage to write so quickly?
Richard: Match called off due to rain.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: Let’s try it another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patty: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”