By Babar Waqar, Canada
Back To School
Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!”
Daddy Is Going To War
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. “No, Daddy, please don’t go!” he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, “Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza.” Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, “Bye, Daddy.”
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?” The little girl replied, “My homework.”
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?” “Objection, your honour,” shouted the other lawyer. There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. “So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?” “Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”
I Am Sick
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call… Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?” Kelly: “This is my mother.” Needless to say, she didn’t pull it off!
A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.” The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.” The man looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!”
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” said the butcher. A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
A Little Late For Work
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freaking killed myself.” And the sergeant said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”
Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments later, the pilot asked the attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “We’re all set back here, Captain,” an attendant replied. “Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out his business cards.”
A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the mailman!
A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in. Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…”Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don’t bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!” Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, “How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?” Mr. Baker replied, “Hi, I’m from the phone company. I’m here to connect your phone.”
Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?” Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”
A man who was chosen for jury duty wanted very much to be dismissed from serving. He tried just about every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. “Your Honour,” he said, “I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky, beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, ‘He’s a criminal! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!’ Therefore, your Honour, I could not possibly remain on this jury.” Glaring at him, the Judge replied, “Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!”
A noted criminal defence lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom’s clock and, pointing to it, announced, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom.” A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened. The smirking lawyer continued, “The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal. The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict. When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: “Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!” “Well,” the foreman explained, “Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”
You Know You’re A Pakistani When…
By Aisha Tariq, Islamabad
Here are some things you’ll probably relate to if you’re a Pakistani.
– You buy a new T-shirt and then use it to play cricket. After two years, you’re using it as a “pocha”.
– When trips to another city mean visiting your relatives and no sight-seeing.
– When you’re tired of eating the same salan over and over again.
– Your mom makes you gargle salt water instead of giving you medicine.
– When your dad and uncle fight over the bill after dinner.
– Always keeping another tab open in case your parents walk by.
– Your mom starts getting ready two hours before an event and is late. Your dad starts getting ready ten minutes before and still gets there on time.
– When your parents tell you to be more like your friends even though they have no idea about the bad things they do.
– Your mom tries to rub lotion onto your face.
– When you get yelled at for getting hurt.
– You don’t get grounded; instead you’re yelled at for a week.
– Your parents are nicer to other kids than they are to their own.
– Going out to study, counts as going out with friends.
– You’re told you’re reading garbage when you read anything other than a textbook.
– Get one bad grade; hear about it every time you do something wrong.
– Saying the phrase “pant-shirt” instead of “Jeans and a T-shirt.”
– Getting unrealistic expectations of love because of Bollywood.
– Hearing about how much the price of gold has gone up every time you’re near a jewellery store.
– Packing twelve people into a five seater car.
– Cricket being treated like the Olympics.
– When your parents start yelling at you in public.
– Everyone assumes if you’re on the phone a lot, you must be dating someone.
– Miss a call from your parents; all hell breaks loose.
– When your mom threatens to hit you in front of everybody.
– You are given no choice except to become a doctor or an engineer.